Thoughts inside myself

I want to change my life. Almost 4 years ago I did it but now I feel that the time to make my life another came again. It is not hard but I need to know what I really want.

Sometimes I feel that I sink in a hopelessness. Probably I shouldn`t think so because I have everything what I need but...We are never satisfied. If you`ll see all Europe, it won`t be enough-you will want to see all Asia and then-all Africa...and the end of your desires will never come. All people are such, I`m sure.

I love to travel. I can`t live on one place the whole life, I need to change cities and countries. I`m a wanderer and a dreamer. I love roads, cars, buses and long trips. I love new places and new acquaintances. All this make me to feel better. To have the great impressions in life is very important. When I`ll be old, I will remember those mad actions which I made in my youth and will tell about them to my grandsons :D They will be proud of their crazy grandmother!

If I had more freedom and more money now, I would pack my bag and go somewhere very far. To country where nobody speaks russian. Where nobody knows me. I thought about Iceland. Cold but very beautiful and romantic place. Mountains, ocean, whales...I would live in small house in the mountains, would have a horse and a big dog. Every morning I`d look at the whales in the ocean and every evening I`d write a book. I always have a lot of inspiration on the nature. Icelandic language is very difficult and I love all difficult things.

I seem to feel happy when I forget about everything. I just walk somewhere and see the sky...and the sun going down or rising. That`s why I adore lonely places like old parks, forests, fields where nobody will bother me. There I feel like a bird, just as nothing keeps me...So I`m free to fly wherever I want.

Now I have such time when I think about my life all day, all night. I am tired of all this routine. Maybe it is because of spring or because of something else but I`ve never been more alone than now. I don`t feel that the city where I live is a my place. I don`t like noise, huge houses and subway. It was my biggest dream in childhood-to move in a huge city but nowadays I understand that my dream was a mistake. Or I had to move to so big city to understand that sometimes we don`t know of what we dream. To breathe here is so hard...My lungs dry up.

I am 23 but I didn`t find my place in this world yet. I can want to live near the sea in warm country but in some days I wanna live on the north near the mountains. I can want to travel all my life and to be alone but then I want to have a big and friendly family. I don`t know what happens inside myself. I don`t remember the time when I understood myself...Have I ever had the harmony in my mind?..

It is all like a carousel. Your life goes and goes quicker every day. First you don`t notice it but then you look back and see that many events remained far behind you. And you will never return them already. Isn`t it scary? Time to be defined what you need.

I want to change the world. I try to remember these phrases:
1) Always push yourself to be great.
2) Always push yourself to be better than the day before.
3) Love all but stay away from darkness, you can`t help.
4) Live, love, laugh.
5) Put your heart into everything you do.
6) Let`s make the world better.
7) Love is a mighty power.
8) Find your own way to happiness.
9) Always working, always creating.
10) Never ever ever ever ever GIVE UP!!!

These phrases and another help me to live. Even when I sink and don`t understand what happens around myself. When I`m in my thoughts...and want to become a dust and to fly in the air.

Dream world

Having looked at this picture, you probably think that the author accepted a good dose of drugs. Yea, I thought the same when saw this huge crazy cat eating the car. Imagine what life would be if the animals were bigger than we. I guess, we would be their pets in this way. 

But the author of this picture just had a very rich imagination. I love such pictures cus they are unique. I don`t like usual landscapes, portraits and still lifes. Every person who can draw will be able to represent it. The special imagination isn't required in these pictures. Probably, artists who created unusual works, and writers who wrote magic books, were or mentally ill people, or took drugs because  ordinary people never have the rich imagination. They just care of things which happen to all in this world- and that`s enough. 

Imagination! Without this quality it is impossible to be neither the poet, nor the philosopher, neither the clever person, nor a thinking creature, even just the person. I can`t imagine myself far from my dreams and fantasy. Life would be so boring without imagination, I`m sure. It`s a pity that we live in this mediocre world without unicorns, dragons, elves and fairies. When I`ve read the book "Alice in Wonderland" I dreamed of such life for myself. Cheshire cat, white speaking rabbit and tea time with Mad Hatter-what can be better?! I would never leave this magic world and I`d be the most happy girl in it cus it would be a life impregnated with imagination completely! But it is impossible in real life, it is possible only in my head. I think those people who thought up the fantasy world were very unhappy in reality and wanted to create something such where there will be a magic and the fairy tale. Of course, I heard that Lewis Carroll took drugs, composing the book "Alice in Wonderland" therefore he saw hallucinations. Maybe Alice, White rabbit, Mad Hatter, Cheshire cat and Queen of Hearts are those hallucinations, who knows. Anyway, the book turned out amazing and if drugs helped it to become such, I don`t see anything awful in it.

By the way, I`ve read this book at first in russian when I was 4 or 5. And also re-read it in english when I was 11. It`s one of my favorite fantasy stories. 


I am sure I have to be a writer because I have a very rich imagination. Sometimes I can`t sleep at night cus my thoughts don`t let me do it. I have so many plots in my head, they mix up among themselves and turn into a big ball of imaginations. I am very glad that people can`t read thoughts. They would lose the mind because of mine! And probably it is even better that I can`t know of what people think because I lose my head thanks to my thoughts and if I could read all what is in strangers` minds...The psychiatric hospital would accept me with great pleasure :D I think so much that I always see the dreams when I`m sleeping. Often they are even more mad than all my thoughts.

I loved to read Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tales in childhood. Grandmother always did it for me. This writer lived in his imaginations. He saw things differently than other people. Bottle splinter, roses, sun beam, old toy-all this came to life in his eyes. Andersen wanted to make the whole world alive and magic. I have a book with his fairy tales and I remember all of them almost by heart. Some stories are very sad, probably sometimes Andersen lost the hope for transformation of the world into the fairy tale.


When I was in Amsterdam, I visited the Van Gogh Museum. Fabulous place! Some pictures are unclear but very surprising too. I wanna show two which I liked most of all.

Who will draw the such, being in senses??? I am afraid to think what occured in Van Gogh`s head at that time! The girl is very strange. Kids don`t look so in real life. And the skull smoking the cigarette-it is twice strange! :D But I love it cus I love unusual things. And I love Van Gogh`s words:

That`s true. How can you create something brilliant if you won`t concentrate on what you do? Silence, loneliness and inspiration-only all this is necessary for masterpiece creation, never mind: a picture, a book or music. It is hard for me-to be concentrated in noisy city. The biggest inspiration comes to me in the wood or near the sea...

 

I really want to write something brilliant. But now I have plots only about usual life where people love each other, have conflicts, eat, drink, go to school and just live. It is interesting too but doesn`t demand a lot of imagination. You can just look at the people, ask them about their lives and it will be enough. Everybody has the own unique story. I can write about myself because my life is filled with awesome stories. Earlier I didn`t understand it. I thought that my destiny is very boring and uninteresting. Now I look back and see what I passed for 22 (almost 23) years. It would be a great book, really! Go bananas...

My conclusion: people have to see the unusual in usual things. It makes our life more wonderful and brighter. Even gray and tiresome days can become fine if you will dream up a little.