Memories about dad

Hey dad
I`m writing to you
Not to tell you that I still hate you,
Just to ask you how you feel...

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I listen to this song three days in a row. "Good Charlotte" made a great soundtrack. A guy sings about his dad who left him in the childhood. I listen and cry because the text of this song as though reflects my life and my relations with father. It`s a biggest pain in my life and I even can`t think quietly of it. 

My parents divorced when I was 5 and from that moment I saw my dad very seldom. Sometimes we met on holidays, sometimes he called me by telephone but it wasn`t often. I remember how I asked mom to ring him. She did it but dad talked to me without special desire. He made a lot of promises and almost never kept them. Now, when I`m adult, I try to avoid those men who don`t keep their promises. I don`t want to be disappointed again. 

The I became more senior, the our meetings with father became more rare. Mom didn`t want to see him in our flat and dad didn`t want to go somewhere with me. At first he rang me by telephone on all my birthdays but then stopped doing it. At all I don`t remember how old I was when he didn`t ring me for the first time. Then my father started drinking alcohol and it broke everything.

I began to hate him. I didn`t understand why I haven`t a good family where parents love and respect each other. I was upset because father didn`t want to remember me. His indifference hurt me so much. I even began to wish his death. It was very difficult to understand why my friends have remarkable fathers who love them, and I don`t have. I cried at night and dreamed that mother married a good person who could become my father. But it didn`t occur.

Despite all hatred to my father I liked to remember the happy moments spent with him. When I was 4 we were lying with dad on the sofa and watched a cartoon about jungle bears on our small black-and-white TV. On that TV we watched a movie "Home alone" too. From that moment I love this movie very much, it`s one of my favorite. I liked to remember how my dad presented two beautiful birds to me. They were my first pets and I was so happy having received them. When I was 7 we went to buy a rabbit together. I remember that soft lump which was very nice and funny. I gave him the name Claus.

When I was 3-4 I loved when dad threw up me up and caught. I laughed like crasy because of my huge happiness! I liked to ride his shoulders. I felt myself so tall and so safe...

My dad had a bristle on his face and now I understand why I love men with beard. I love to kiss the prickly face, probably, it is because of memories from the childhood.

I thought it will be easier to feel all this when I won`t be a kid anymore but I was mistaken. Now I am 22, almost 23 but I feel so big pain that sometimes I can cry 1 hour without interruption. I need a father very much but I haven`t him and will never have. I need his support, advices, love but it doesn`t exist in my life. Everybody knows how much girls need a dad`s love in childhood because we have to understand that we are beautiful, unique and special. And dad can give it to us. Mom can do it too of course but every girl needs a father. Every girl needs to have a dance with dad on her wedding.

Women who live without love become disappointed. They hate all men and their daughters can be the same cus they see not good example. It happened to me. I hated all men and considered that all of them are liars, irresponsible people and aren't worthy to be called real men. Now I understand that  I shouldn't have thought so, because those thoughts brought many problems in my private life. I couldn`t love someone (how could I do it when I suspected absolutely all men of dishonourableness?).
Thanks to my wonderful friends guys and to my loved one I understood what good men can be. My heart started becoming more warmly and more opened. I learned to trust men and to love them. It was hard but I consulted.

Father for girl is the first man and long time the only man in life. He is the best and strong. A girl shouldn't fight for him, she shouldn't look for him. The father loves without any conditions.

I feel I`ll be crying again now. I know that I will never have a dad in my life, it is too late for this but I want that my kids had the best father in the world, who will never drink alcohol, who will be kind and honest, who will never hurt them. It is so important for all people-to have a full-fledged family where they`ll be loved and happy...

It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried.You broke my mother`s heart,You broke your children for life
It`s not ok,
But we`re all right.
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine,
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now I`m writing just to let you know I`m still alive.


And sometimes
I forgive
And this time
I`ll admit, that I miss you. I miss you
Hey dad...


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